Realizing my sexuality

Growing up, I knew I was different. I’ve always had certain feelings that I knew were different from my peers. Most of my peers didn’t think about kissing other girls or liking girls the same way they liked boys. They were not attracted to girls the same way I was. Most of the time, I would just repress those feelings because LGBTQ+ was very taboo in not only society but also the culture I grew up in. I just tried to push those feelings away because I wasn’t supposed to feel like that and I was probably just going through a phase as others would suggest. No matter how hard I tried, I always had those feelings. Because these feelings were so taboo, I definitely was terrified of experimenting and finding out who I truly was.

One day, thanks to a wonderful and supportive friend, I kissed a girl for the very first time. We kissed a few times that night. Even though I have always had these feelings and was attracted to girls, I didn’t possibly think I could like kissing a girl because it’s just not what “good girls” do according to my culture. However, that is not the case. As the Katy Perry song says, “I kissed a girl and I liked it”. I actually liked it very much. I felt as if I was taking a breath of fresh air. I felt as if I found a missing piece to myself. I felt complete. I felt happy. I couldn’t and still can’t completely find words to describe my feelings about that kiss but I can say that it was magical. I felt as if I opened a door to a new world where I felt free. I’ve questioned my sexuality all of my life but was in denial. I thought that the only possibility for me was to be straight. I never talked to anyone because I was scared that they would judge me or would not accept me. I’ve had dreams of dating, marrying, and starting a family with a wonderful girl. I have developed crushes and genuinely liked girls. I’ve come to finally realize that I am bisexual and that kind of terrifies me.

I’m terrified because I live in a society and culture where being LGBTQ+ is frowned upon. Members of this community experience so much hate and terrible things that I don’t wish to go into at this moment. I’m terrified because I go to a Christian university where LGBTQ is something that they wish to brush under a rug like it doesn’t exist, they tell us we must not act on such feelings because it is inappropriate. Where they say that being LGBTQ isn’t an identity but rather a behavior that can be fixed because something is wrong with us. A university where I have to fight back tears in class over what they say about “same gender attraction”. A university where I do not have a safe place because I could get kicked out for “homosexual behavior” and where my roommates report me because they are uncomfortable with my sexuality. I feel scared to be myself.

Even if I am terrified, I cannot deny the feelings and times I have fallen for a girl growing up. I cannot deny how good it felt to finally kiss a girl. I cannot deny all of the dreams I have had about being with a girl. I cannot deny wanting to love myself and to feel free. I have a great and supportive friend that I can talk to. They help me realize that what I am going through is okay. I want everyone out there to know that being affiliated with the LGBTQ+ community is okay. One thing is for certain, I have been questioning my whole life which was terrifying but now with a support system, I am completely happy in this search of finding myself. I don’t feel the need to deny myself anymore. It’s okay to be bisexual. It’s okay to like or prefer girls. It’s okay to be me.

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